


everyone hail to the pumpkin song

by twohourstraffic



Series: take this sinking boat and point it home [12]
Category: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Babysitting, Future Fic, Ghost Stories, Halloween, Halloween Costumes, Kid Fic, Mixed Media, Multi, Multimedia, Museums, Nightmares, Skype, Slice of Life, Zombies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-20
Updated: 2016-11-01
Packaged: 2018-08-23 14:24:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 19,132
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8331184
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/twohourstraffic/pseuds/twohourstraffic
Summary: Adventures of the Bittle family. Slice-of-life, set in the thirteen days leading up to Halloween 2029. Based on the 13 Days of Halloween prompts.





	1. pumpkin carving

**Author's Note:**

> i realise that this is exceedingly niche. hope you enjoy anyway!

Bitty points the video camera at his kitchen counter and sends up a silent prayer that this take won’t be interrupted. Unlike the last four. He really needs to get these done before Gabi’s home from school.

“Hi guys!” He waves to the camera with a smile. “Happy Halloween! I mean, it’s the nineteenth, so I guess it’s not quite Halloween yet. But it’s definitely Halloween season! Which is so exciting. It’s definitely one of my favorite times of the year, along with Christmas. And Thanksgiving. And, if I’m honest, Easter. I guess I like holidays? Anyway, I’m really excited to share this with y’all. It’s pumpkin carving time at the Bittle house! And for once, we’ve already –”

He’s interrupted by an indignant screech. He rolls his eyes and makes his way into the den, where Gabi had been playing with Lego while Noah pretends to read a book. “What’s wrong, Gabi?”

“Noah stole the blue one!”

“I’m sure Noah didn’t steal anything, sweetheart. What did he do?” 

“I was making the rink with the blue bricks like for Papa, and I need _all_ of the blue bricks so that we can have all the stairs and the ice, or it won’t be like for Papa’s work.”

“But you have lots of blue bricks.”

Gabi’s hands plant firmly on her hips. “I need all the blue bricks or else it won’t be _right_.”

Bitty turns to his son, who is sucking steadfastly on the stolen brick. “Do you have anything to say for yourself, young man?”

Noah pulls the brick out of his mouth with a pout and reaches out for his father. Bitty pulls him into his arms, feeling his forehead quickly. “What’s wrong, honey?”

Noah nuzzles fussily into his side, bumping his head against Bitty’s shoulder. He’s been on the verge of cutting a new tooth for a few days now, so it might just be time. Bitty puts his finger into the baby’s mouth, where it’s immediately chewed.

Bitty gives up on the dream of recording a new vlog for the minute. “Let’s go into the kitchen and find something to make your mouth feel better, OK?” he says to Noah. “We can leave Gabi to make Papa’s rink.”

He puts Noah into his highchair and finds a teething ring in the fridge. Noah immediately attempts to bite a hole through it, sitting back with satisfaction.

“Does that feel better, baby?” Noah pulls a face, and Bitty pulls one right back.

Gabi, having followed them, hauls herself up onto a seat at the island and surveys the kitchen like it’s her kingdom. “Daddy, why are there so many pumpkins on the counter? Are you making soup? Or pie? Are we going to have Thanksgiving again?”

“Papa’s Thanksgiving was a few weeks ago, remember? We’re going to have Daddy’s in about a month. But that’s not for a while.”

“Why don’t you just share Thanksgiving? Are you fighting?”

Bitty bites back a grin. “No, sweetheart. You know how Grandpa and Grandma live in Montreal? And that’s where Papa is from? In Canada, they have different holidays from here in America. And you and Noah get to celebrate both because you’re from both places!”

“Does Elise get both holidays, too? Or are we specially special because Papa speaks another language?”

“Elise gets both holidays too, baby. Because Uncle Ransom is from Canada, like Papa, even though he doesn’t speak French. And Uncle Holster is from America. It doesn’t matter what language you speak.”  

“And also you get to celebrate Papa’s Thanksgiving even though you don’t speak French.”

“I speak some French!” Bitty protests weakly.

“Pas vraiment,” Gabi giggles. “Quand je parle avec Papa en français, tu peux pas comprendre tous les mots.”

“Je peux comprendre,” Bitty mutters. Gabi peals with laughter at his accent and he decides to swiftly change the subject. “Are you excited to carve jack o’ lanterns when Papa gets home, guys?”

Noah giggles as Gabi’s eyes go wide. “Is that what the pumpkins are for?”

“You betcha, sweetheart. I thought we could draw out our designs today, and then Papa can carve with us in the morning. You might need to help Noah, though.”

“You can’t give Noah a knife, Daddy! He’s too little … He might hurt himself!”

“Oh my goodness, Gabi,” Bitty says with a smile. He’s never seen Gabi look so serious. “I meant with his drawing. I’m not going to let Noah carve his own pumpkin! You’re not even allowed to do it by yourself, remember? You can help me or Papa, but the knife we need to use is too big. Pumpkins are tricky business.”

He pulls paper out of the printer and grabs a handful of markers, putting them down on the bench in front of Gabi. “Go nuts, Gabs. What are you thinking?”

It takes about three seconds for Gabi to lose herself in focus, tongue sticking out like Jack’s does. “I know what I’m doing, Daddy. I just need to get it right.”

Bitty kisses the top of her hair and leaves her to it, crossing to lift Noah out of his chair and hug him tightly. Noah lifts a hand to slap his father lightly on the cheek, squirming impatiently.

“Oh, you’re feeling better, are you?”

Noah stares at his father for a second, sneezes twice, and tries to climb down from his arms.

“I’ll take that as a yes, baby. Go nuts.”

As soon as Noah is on the floor, he runs into the den and comes back with a wooden train. He runs around the room, pulling it behind him and giggling at the clattering noise it makes. He stumbles and falls, righting himself before Bitty can even move in his direction.

“Daddy, can we have color on the pumpkins?”

“Not normally, baby. We just carve them so that the light shines through when you put a candle inside, remember?”

Gabi’s brow furrows, like this throws a serious spanner in her works. She balls up the piece of paper and starts again, pencil dancing across the paper like she’s being paid.

Bitty needs to get dinner going so he plots out a couple of designs, shoots some surreptitious footage of Gabi drawing and Noah playing, then goes to turn on the oven.

Jack’s flight isn’t due in until after midnight, so Bitty forgives himself and goes to bed early. Before he does, though, he arranges the pumpkin designs on the kitchen bench where Jack will see them.

One, a traditional jack o’ lantern face, has teeth as sparse as Noah’s. One is emblazoned with the word BOO in Bitty’s best cursive, surrounded by flying bats. The third has a six-year-old’s best impression of the Falconers logo.


	2. zombies

Shitty runs down the hallway, breath coming short, lungs tight. Eyes darting frantically, he turns back to look back the way he came. He can’t see anything, but he can hear the footsteps coming closer, the shriek of frustration, the thud as his pursuer pushes a door open so firmly that it bangs the wall behind it.

He wishes he could remember the chain of events that led him to this particular moment, but it’s all so blurry. All he knows is that he’s in this hallway, on this night, and there’s someone coming for him. Coming quickly.

He shoves open the closest door, and falls against it, panting heavily. When his eyes adjust to the darkness, he lets out an unbelieving groan.

God fucking damn it.

He’s backed himself into a dead-end. The room is little more than a closet – it has no windows, only one door, no furniture to hide behind, no potential projectiles.

The door creaks open slowly, inevitably, and he braces himself for the end.

His assailant crosses the threshold and ploddingly makes his way over to Shitty, arms outstretched. His mouth opens, baring gums that have more gaps than teeth.

Shitty’s eyes drift closed as one gray hand grabs at his clothing. He doesn’t even try to negotiate – he knows that the creature doesn’t have the emotional intelligence.

After a few beats, he works up the courage to make eye contact with his attacker. This is it: the last face he’ll see before he spends the rest of his existence craving brains. He forces his eyes open and looks down hesitantly.

Cheeky brown eyes stare back up at him. “Hi.”

Shitty sighs, trying his best to hide a smile. “Noah, baby, be scarier. I’m trying to do my scene.”

Now that he’s received Shitty’s attention, Noah’s not having a bar of acting. He grins and starts to climb Shitty’s leg as best as he can.

“Noah, what are you doing?”

“Up,” Noah says with determination.

Shitty sighs and scoops the toddler into his arms, shoving him onto his hip. “Aunt Lardo isn’t going to be very happy with you, little one. That wasn’t scary at all! I mean, you did your best, but I feel like you should be chewing on me right now.”

Noah lays one head on Shitty’s shoulder and begins sucking his fist.

“Oh my _God_ , Noah. You’re so embarrassing. Be scarier.”

Noah looks delighted with himself.

“Shits? Why can I hear you talking? Did you guys get the take?” Lardo runs into the room and stops dead at the sight of Shitty looking decidedly unscathed and cradling a toddler in zombie makeup.

“Hi!” Noah calls to her.

“Yeah, hi, baby. Do you think you got it?”

“I assume so,” Shitty says with a shrug. “I mean, it was fine until I looked down at saw those eyes looking back at me. Couldn’t you have cast a scarier baby?”

Noah blinks innocently. Shitty blinks back.

Lardo sighs and pulls the GoPro from Shitty’s forehead. She quickly fiddles with the side panel, removing the SD card. “I swear to God, Shits, if you’ve spent the entire take looking down again, I’m casting someone else.”

“Remind me again why we’re spending our Saturday afternoon doing this?”

“I’m doing Karen a favor, bud. She’s running out of time for a mixed media haunted house piece she’s doing and she doesn’t have an easily accessible baby.”

Shitty pauses. “About that – what’s the idea behind the fuckin’ zombie baby, anyway? It’s beyond creepy.”

“It’s a comment on the death of innocence or something,” Lardo says, distracted, as she makes her way back to her laptop. “It’s deep.”

“Of course it fucking is,” Shitty mutters to Noah, following her into the main room. He blinks, eyes adjusting to the light.

“I heard that,” Jack calls from where he’s been scrolling through his phone, waiting for the shoot to finish so they can go to dinner. “Don’t swear in front of my kid.”

Shitty locks Jack with his best unamused stare. “Jack. Babe. My name is Shitty.”

“It’s not swearing if it’s your name, Shits.”

Shitty’s not entirely sure that’s how it works, but he’s known Jack for almost twenty years and there are some battles that aren’t worth picking. He sets Noah down, and the boy runs over to his father as quickly as he can.

“Hi, baby,” Jack says with a smile. “You enjoying being a superstar?”

Noah rubs his cheek against Jack’s hand affectionately before clambering onto his shin and wrapping his arms around Jack’s knee. “Up please.”

Jack straightens his leg so that Noah is raised into the air and the toddler shrieks with laughter. Jack grins and bends his knee again, then straightens it again.

“So easily amused, Noah,” Shitty chides. “Why do we bother actually playing with you?”

“He’s so little, though. It must be like a rollercoaster,” Lardo chips in.

“As long as it keeps him occupied,” Jack says with a smile. “You need to go again, Lards, or are we good? Eric’s wondering what time we’ll be at the restaurant. We should probably get the makeup off this one as well. It can’t be good for his skin.”

Lardo sits at the monitor. “I think we’re good, bud. I’m sure she can cut something together – her other option was to film her dog in black and white and cross her fingers.” She pauses, watching the footage closely. “Oh my God, that is so cute! Jack, come look at this.”

Shitty moves over to grab Noah off his father’s leg so Jack can grab the headphones and observe the shaky footage of Noah in full zombie makeup, grinning up at Shitty.

“You sure you’re acting, Shitty?” Jack chirps. “You sound kinda terrified.”

“Fuck you. I’m method as _shit_. Although –” he breaks off, looking at Noah. “– you _were_ pretty scary for a second there, honey. That makeup? Crazy, if I do say so myself.”

“Yeah, babe,” Lardo mutters. “There’s another career path for you, if law gets boring. Baby zombie makeup.”

“So niche,” Jack says with a smile. “But if anyone can do it, you can.”

“Fuck yes,” Shitty snorts. “Sounds like a plan.”


	3. costume malfunctions

Bitty lies in bed, listening to the sounds of his family downstairs and dreaming of times before they had kids. When a Sunday was a day free of responsibility, focused on brunch and reading the paper. Sometimes a game for Jack. Often an afternoon movie.

It’s 8:30, which is practically a sleep-in, so he counts his blessings and forces himself out of bed.

The kitchen smells of toast and coffee, and Bitty gratefully drags himself over to the pot to pour himself a cup.

“Hi!” Noah calls from his high chair where Jack is doing his best to get him to eat some breakfast. There is yogurt painting the chair, banana on the floor and Noah is in desperate need of a bath.

“Morning, baby,” Bitty replies with as much enthusiasm as he can muster. “What time did you wake your papa up?”

“It’s got to be an hour and a half ago,” Jack says with a yawn. “We were watching Paw Patrol with Gabi, but then he decided it was breakfast time.”

“And so he should,” Bitty says with a smile. “You’re the one who taught me about the importance of breakfast, Jack.”

“I guess.”

“I _know_.”

They stare at each other for a second before Bitty snorts, moving over to kiss his husband good morning. Jack looks innocent, but moves to smear banana into Bitty’s hair as soon as he gets the opportunity.

“Jack! Why would you –”

“Because it’s funny?”

“You’re the worst.”

Noah breaks into uncontrollable giggles, and Bitty frowns at him until he can’t hold the face anymore.

“If you were so hungry, why haven’t you eaten anything, honey?”

Noah ignores the question entirely. “Up please!”

“Just wait a second, baby. Jack, can you grab a flannel and give him a once over?”

Jack gets up and roots through the drawers next to the high chair. Noah making a mess is hardly an unusual occasion.

Bitty collapses at the kitchen table, but the phone rings seconds later and he heaves himself up again. “Who is this going to be? I swear, one of these mornings we’re going to sleep in and – Hello?”

“Morning, Eric!” Alicia’s voice pours down the phone, and he smiles impulsively.

“Alicia! How are you? Do you want me to put you on speakerphone? I’m in the kitchen with Jack and Noah.”

“Sure, sweetheart.”

He presses the button and puts the phone in the middle of the table. “All done.”

“Good morning, Noah,” Alicia calls.

“Hi, Mom,” Jack says with a pout. “I’m here too.”

“I know you’re there, baby, I’m just saying hello to Noah.”

“Hi!” Noah says from his highchair where he’s being de-fooded. “Up please.”

“Excuse me, sweetheart?”

Bitty laughs. “Poor kid is stuck in his highchair, covered in food. Give Papa a second, Noah, and he’ll bring you over to Grandma.”

Gabi races into the room, blanket cape flying behind her. “Are you talking to Grandma? I want to talk to Grandma!”

“Gabi! Ca va, cherie?”

Gabi has taken to speaking in French with her grandparents. Bitty’s glad that she’s in touch with the French side of her heritage, although he’ll never wrap his head around the way that both she and Jack can just swap languages like they do.

“Ca va!” Gabi chirps. “Grandma, aujourd’hui nous allons chercher des choses pour Halloween! Je pense qu’je vais m’habiller comme une … Papa, comment dit-on ghostbuster en Français?”

“I don’t think there’s a French word for ghostbuster, honey,” Jack interjects. “But we’re going to see what we can find.”

“Et je veut que Noah s’habille comme un fantôme mais –”

“Mais he’s a baby so we’re going to see what we can find at the store,” Jack says gently, lifting Noah out of his chair and depositing him on Bitty’s lap with a kiss to his hair. “We want to make sure he’s comfortable. This is the first Halloween he’s going to remember, sweetheart. He might be scared.”

“But Papa, I –”

“There’s no ‘but Papa’, Gabi. Making sure that Noah’s OK is important, remember? Like we made sure you were OK when you were a baby.”

They speak with Alicia for a few minutes before Bitty makes his excuses and shepherds the kids upstairs to get them ready to go shopping.

By the time they’re ready to go, Bitty is almost at the end of his tether. Gabi has stubbed her toe and cried, Noah has thrown a tantrum about wearing socks and he hasn’t had time to wash the banana out of his hair.

“Bits, if you want to go shopping, we need to get going. I need to be at the rink in –”

“Yes, _thank you_ , Jack.” Afternoon games suck the hours out of a Sunday like nothing else.

The costume store is hectic. Bitty used to pride himself on sorting out his intricate costumes far in advance, but it’s ten days until Halloween and every parent in the Providence area has had the same idea.

“Daddy, what is your costume going to be?”

Bitty takes a deep breath. “I’m not sure, sweetheart. I might just wear something from home. Or Papa’s jersey.”

“That’s boring,” Gabi moans. “Papa, will you be a ghostbuster with me? Or you could be Kevin! Oh, Papa, please be Kevin?”

“Let’s see what we can find, shall we? Bits, do you mind looking for Noah’s?”

Bitty tries to smile. “Yeah, sure. Let’s go, baby. What are you thinking?”

“Bye please,” Noah says grumpily.

Jack kisses Bitty quickly before heading off to the rental section, hand pulled by Gabi. Bitty takes a deep breath and heads to the toddler costumes. He puts Noah down, but the baby tries to clamber back up his leg.

“Come on, honey. Can we just do this quickly?”

He grabs three different options – a pumpkin, a scarecrow and a frog onesie – and heads off to find Jack.

Who is nowhere to be seen.

He spends a few minutes trying to find Jack and Gabi before he hears his daughter’s voice behind him. “Daddy, Papa got stuck!”

“What do you mean, sweetheart?”

“Papa is in the dressing room and he tried a ghostbuster costume and now he needs you.”

“Show me the way, Gabs?”

A minute later, Bitty is standing in a changing room trying not to cry with laughter. Jack is less amused.

“Bits, I need your help. Please.”

Bitty snorts. “I’m sorry, Jack. I just –”

“This isn’t funny!”

“Jack, your incredible ass is stuck in that costume. This is the greatest day of my life. How did you even get it done up?”

“I don’t know,” Jack moans. “But it won’t go over my hips!”

Bitty bites back a grin, hands Noah to Jack and drops to his knees. He winks cheekily before reaching for the zipper of Jack’s jumpsuit.

“Could you not?” Jack whispers.

Bitty blows him a kiss and starts to shimmy the pants down Jack’s legs. He noses at Jack’s crotch for a second before standing up and taking Noah back innocently.

“Eric, why would you –”

“Gabi, sweetheart,” Bitty calls. “We’re going to need another costume for Papa. Can you do some brainstorming?”

Then he grabs Noah and leaves Jack, short of breath, leaning against the wall in the change room.


	4. a ghost story

**@ericbittle**  
You guys. YOU GUYS.

 **@ericbittle**  
My daughter is currently sharing a ghost story that I’m pretty sure she’s making up as she goes. It’s been fifteen minutes.

 **@ericbittle**  
This is the funniest slash cutest thing that has ever happened to this family.

 **@ericbittle**  
YOU GUYS THIS STORY IS SO INTRICATE THERE ARE THREE DIFFERENT PERSPECTIVES

 **@ericbittle**  
THERE ARE CHARACTERS THAT ONLY SPEAK IN FRENCH

 **@ericbittle**  
THERE ARE FLASHBACKS

 **@ericbittle**  
Dinner prep can wait. Our friends don’t need to be fed.

 **@ericbittle**  
I mean, they’ve got crackers and dips and stuff so they’ll be just fine and dandy.

 **@ericbittle**  
Plus Chowder is on baby duty so I don’t even need to be worried that Noah might be sticking his fingers in sockets.

 **@ericbittle**  
Sidebar: baby duty is Elise (R &H’s baby), Joseph (Chowder & Caitlin’s baby), Noah (best baby)

 **@ericbittle**  
Jack is listening patiently. Shitty and Holster are doing their best to have this story GO FOREVER.

 **@ericbittle**  
G: So then they walked into the barn  
G: No wait  
G: The shed  
G: oh no wait maybe it WAS the barn  
S: Wait are you sure?  
J: -.-

 **@ericbittle**  
I would say they’re only doing this because they don’t have kids but ADAM TOTALLY HAS A KID SO WHO KNOWS

 **@ericbittle**  
H: Wait Gabs what happened to the sheep?  
G: IT’S NOT TIME FOR THE SHEEP YOU HAVE TO WAIT  
S: Shut up Holster

 **@ericbittle**  
Such a captive audience

 **@ericbittle**  
Caitlin [returning from finding-more-wine-in-the-cellar adventures]: wait is this story still going  
YES IT’S STILL GOING BECAUSE MY DAUGHTER IS A VIRTUOSO

 **@ericbittle**  
I don’t want to interrupt but also it’s getting a little bit ridiculous

 **@ericbittle**  
And I don’t want dinner to get cold

 **@ericbittle**  
Me: Jack baby do you think it’s time to –  
G: DADDY IT’S STORY TIME NOW SORRY  
S: yeah bits it’s story time

 **@ericbittle**  
I think Holster is taking notes.

 **@ericbittle**  
G: So Matthieu takes the ghost blanket from the horse and he and Clara try to go back to the outside but then the door SLAMS AND THERE WAS NO WIND  
H: [melodramatic gasp]  
G: I KNOW

 **@ericbittle**  
Every character is named after someone from her class i want to cry

 **@ericbittle**  
G: so when matthieu was a baby his moms had a cat but it died because someone left the back door open  
G: and when they’re walking through the barn it’s really dark BUT THEN

 **@ericbittle**  
G: THEY SEE A GHOST CAT AND IT’S THE CAT FROM WHEN HE WAS A BABY THAT DIED BECAUSE THE DOOR  
S: are you serious????  
H: oh my god

 **@ericbittle**  
G: so the ghost cat helps them see in the dark like a nightlight because the dark can be scary but the ghost cat is there so they’re ok

 **@ericbittle**  
YOU GUYS

 **@ericbittle**  
J: i’m glad they found the ghost cat  
G: so are they papa because the week before that

 **@ericbittle**  
This story will never end.

 **@ericbittle**  
And i kind of don’t hate it.

 **@ericbittle**  
brb chowder’s calling me

 **@ericbittle**  
back

 **@ericbittle**  
Noah is now on my knee because Joseph wants to play with him and Noah is not. in. the. mood.

 **@ericbittle**  
Such a papa’s boy.

 **@ericbittle**  
“ok but what if i sit with my uncle and have his undivided attention and don’t deal with other small people” – my grumpy child

 **@ericbittle**  
N: papa please

 **@ericbittle**  
He only knows about six words but he puts them to good use

 **@ericbittle**  
HERE JACK HAVE THE BABY

 **@ericbittle**  
Yessssssss story time

 **@ericbittle**  
Wait i’ve missed something, we’ve moved to the nineteenth century

 **@ericbittle**  
Me: wait gabi what happened to matthieu and clara?  
G: daddy i’m telling you about the ghost now  
H: pay attention bitty

 **@ericbittle**  
G: so he and his sister went out to the pond to go ice skating as soon as it froze over because skating is the best  
S: obviously

 **@ericbittle**  
One of these days she’s going to strap Noah into a pair of skates and just push him onto the ice

 **@ericbittle**  
I thought Jack was bad.

 **@ericbittle**  
G: but the ice was too thin so it cracked and his sister fell in!!!!!!!!!!  
H: WHAT  
S: WHAT  
ME: WHAT

 **@ericbittle**  
i think we showed her rise of the guardians too early

 **@ericbittle**  
G: so now she’s a ghost that haunts this house but she’s just a little kid like me and she’s sad and wants people to play with  
H: oh my god

 **@ericbittle**  
MY POOR INNOCENT CHILD WHAT IS GOING ON IN YOUR BRAIN

 **@ericbittle**  
Me: Jack this story has more hockey-related death than i originally anticipated  
J: say no more

 **@ericbittle**  
OK Jack is on it

 **@ericbittle**  
I have retreated to the kitchen.

 **@ericbittle**  
L: what precisely is going on in there?  
Me: idk i thought it was a cute ghost story but now there’s a kid drowning in a skating accident

 **@ericbittle**  
Caitlin: rise of the guardians?  
Me: YES  
C: yeah we made the same mistake oops  
[both take a large mouthful of wine]

 **@ericbittle**  
L: what’s rise of the guardians?  
C: THE SADDEST MOVIE EVER MADE  
C: IT PROMISES SANTA AND THEN IT IS JUST PAIN

 **@ericbittle**  
L: wait are you serious  
C: i wouldn’t joke about an animated film

 **@ericbittle**  
DON’T LOOK AT ME LARDO I TOO WAS SCARRED

 **@ericbittle**  
I just heard cheers from the living room. Story over?

 **@ericbittle**  
STORY OVER

 **@ericbittle**  
Apparently the ghost made friends w Matthieu and Clara and the cat and they had fun adventures the end

 **@ericbittle**  
Thank goodness.

 **@ericbittle**  
S: well that was a rollercoaster  
H: i’m never sleeping again  
G: [wide grin]

 **@ericbittle  
** G: daddy now that i’ve told my story can we have dessert please

 **@ericbittle  
** SHE THINKS SHE’S SO SMART

 **@ericbittle  
** I told her she had to have dinner first and now she’s pouting

 **@ericbittle**  
S: baby girl, tell aunt lardo about the ghosts  
J: WHY WOULD YOU

 **@ericbittle  
** peace out squad

 **@ericbittle  
** have a good evening :)


	5. hockey hell

Jack closes the front door and leans on it, wincing. To say that this evening's was a rough game would be the understatement of the month. The Penguins had refused to give them an inch and he'd taken a few hard checks to prove it.

Press had dragged on forever. They tend to focus on the up-and-comers, the young guns, but whenever he plays against his dad’s old teams, they’re drawn to him. No, it’s fine. It’s exciting. Yes, he spoke to his dad earlier in the week. No, he doesn’t mind that they lost. They’ll do better next time. He’s still proud to be part of the team. He’s thinking about retiring. He’s spoken to management. He’ll see how he feels at the end of the season. He’s looking forward to spending more time with his kids.

He's grateful to see that the kitchen light is still on – Eric is still awake. The first few weeks of the season are always crazy and he hasn’t seen nearly as much of his husband as he would like.

He makes his way into the kitchen but it's empty, the dishwasher churning quietly. “Bits? Love, you downstairs?”

“We're in here,” Bitty calls quietly from the den.

Jack turns into the room and is confronted by his husband and daughter. Bitty looks exhausted and Gabi's face is tear-stained.

“What's going on, guys?”

Gabi doesn't answer, just holds out her arms. Jack scoops her up and settles onto the couch next to Bitty. Gabi pulls her knees up to her chest and snuggles into Jack as closely as she can.

“What's the matter, Gabs?”

She shakes her head and, somehow, burrows closer.

Bitty takes a deep breath, winces. “We were watching the game,” he starts.

Jack cuts in. “Gabi, baby, we’ve talked about this. Papa loses sometimes, and that’s OK.”

Bitty fixes him with a look. “Just wait, Jack. I said Miss Gabi could watch the first period if she was in her pyjamas with her teeth cleaned. So we’re on the couch, I'm giving Noah his bottle and he's already half asleep … Then you get checked, I yell without thinking about it and he panics. God, Jack, it must have taken me half an hour to calm him down again.”

Jack knows exactly what Bitty’s talking about. Noah has a habit of getting exceedingly fragile when he’s over-tired, and he’s cried himself to sleep more than once.

“What time did he get to sleep?”

Bitty sighs. “I’m not sure, to be honest. Maybe 9.30? 10? Whatever time it was, I’m going to have to wake him up in the morning and he’s going to be _miserable_.”

“God, I wish I didn't have that flight tomorrow. He deserves a sleep-in."

Bitty shrugs. "It is what it is, honey. He's got to go with Shitty anyway."

Jack leans over to kiss Bitty on the cheek apologetically, then turns his attention to his daughter. “And what are you doing up, Gabs?”

She shivers and Jack kisses her hair gently.

“I had a nightmare,” she whispers.

“She literally woke up screaming, poor thing,” Bitty murmurs to Jack. “I think it was the combination of Halloween and your check. She wouldn't go back to bed until she saw that you were OK.”

“Oh, sweetheart ... I'm fine, baby.”

She shivers and twists, wrapping her arms around his neck tightly.

Jack looks over to Bitty. “Eric, love, why don't you head to bed? I think I've got this.”

Bitty goes to protest, but his massive yawn betrays him. “You sure you don’t mind?

“Go, Bits. We’re good.”

Bitty smiles and stands up, rolling his neck to loosen his shoulders. “Love you, baby girl,” he tells Gabi quietly. “Papa’s going to be just fine, OK?”

She sits up and kisses him on the cheek. “I love you, Daddy.”

Bitty turns to Jack. “See you upstairs, honey?”

“Go to _sleep_ , love. I’ll see you in the morning.”

“You’re not the boss of me,” Bitty says with a smirk. “Sleep well, just in case.”

He plods out of the room and up the stairs tiredly, leaving Jack and Gabi on the couch. The lights are low, the house is quiet and there are no cars driving past. It’s perfectly peaceful.

“You want to tell me what happened in your dream?”

She shakes her head sadly.

Jack takes a deep breath. “Sometimes talking scary things through makes them better, honey. You don’t have to if you don’t want to, but I know that I used to tell your grandma about all my nightmares and she always made me feel better.”

Gabi winces. “You have to promise not to get scared, OK?”

“I’ll do my best.”

She moves off his lap and sits cross-legged on the couch, facing him. He hands her a blanket and she wraps it around her shoulders, as if bracing herself.

“I was at the rink with Aunt Lardo and Elise, watching you play. But it wasn’t the Falcs, it was a weird team. It had Uncle Shitty and Uncle Ransom and Uncle Holster and –”

“That sounds like my college team,” Jack breaks in.

“– and _Daddy_ , Papa. Daddy wasn’t on your college team. And Uncle Chris. And Grandpa.”

Jack snorts. “Yeah, OK. They weren’t on my team in college.”

“I _know_ that!”

“Sorry, baby. So you were at the rink with Aunt Lardo? That doesn’t sound scary.”

Gabi has, somehow, inherited Bitty’s patronizing stare. And improved it. “Papa. Wait.”

“Sorry, honey. Please keep telling me if you want.”

She sighs, put upon. “So it was the third period but you guys were two goals up so they were being mean to y’all. Like, specially mean. And all their meanies got sent to the box but when they came back out they started hurting you guys again.”

“That’s awful, baby.”

“Yeah, I know. So there was one guy who was coming after you and I don’t know what his name was but it was probably something mean and he was skating towards you and I was yelling because I knew he was going to try and hurt you. And Aunt Lardo told me to sit down and be polite.”

Jack smiles. Lardo does her best.

“Then he checked you into the boards and your head fell off.”

Jack has whiplash from how quickly this story has escalated. “Excuse me?”

“Your head fell off! So I was crying, and then Uncle Chris left the crease and went to punch the person that did it, and Uncle Holster and Uncle Ransom went to punch someone else, and then Uncle Shitty went and got angry and started shouting and then someone punched him and _his_ head fell off and then –”

“Oh my _God_ , Gabi. I would have been scared, too.”

“And then you were _dead_ and Uncle Shitty was dead and Daddy was crying and I was crying and no-one cared and they kept being mean and …” She trails off. “I forgot that I was asleep and I thought it was real and I screamed and then I woke up. And you weren’t home yet. And the game was done so I couldn’t see you with your head.”

Jack bites back a smile. “I promise it’s still here, baby. Do you want to check it’s attached properly?”

Gabi rolls her eyes but sits up to look anyway.

“Still attached?”

“Still attached,” she giggles.

Jack kisses her loudly on the cheek. “You ready for bed now, sweetheart? You’ve got school in the morning.”

“I guess,” she says. “Will you tuck me in?”

“Gabi,” Jack replies seriously. “I’ll tuck you in so tight your head won’t be able to fall off.”

“It’s not funny, Papa,” she chastises. “It was really scary.”

“I know, honey. I’m sorry.”

“Now you have to sit with me until I fall asleep.”

“I don’t _have_ to do anything!”

She fixes him with those huge eyes. “Please?”

He pretends to think about it for a minute. “Fine.”

She grins, stands up and reaches out for his hand.

 


	6. trick or treat

“For the last time, are you sure that you’re fine to take him?”

“Oh my God, Bits.”

Jack and Bitty always have their schedules organized down to a tee. They even have weekly meetings where they coordinate calendars, Bitty noting Jack’s games and practices, Jack taking down when Bitty needs to get blog posts published and columns into the Times. But somehow it slipped their attention that Jack would be away for the four days when Bitty had agreed to prep and film a Thanksgiving special for the Food Network.

“I know you’re saying it’s fine, but taking the day off work is a big thing. I just … I hope you know how grateful we are.” 

Shitty grins. “Yeah, I know, babe. And you’ll be grateful for Lardo tomorrow and Holster on Thursday. Just like when you had Elise last month. Friends help friends, remember?”

Bitty has the good graces to look embarrassed from where he’s packing a bag full of Noah Things. “That was different,” he mutters. “I work from home, it’s not like it changes my schedule that much.”

“Bits, I love you, but shut up. Our jobs are all equal. It was an effort. It was appreciated. Please let me drop Gabi at school and then take Noah for the day so you can go teach millions of college students how to make seasonally-appropriate pies.”

Gabi thunders down the corridor, hair in two messy pigtails and backpack dragging on the floor behind her.

“Gabi Rose, pick up your bag!” Bitty exclaims. “You know you don’t drag it along the ground!”

“But it’s too heavy,” Gabi pouts. “It’s full of books and pencils and sweaters and my lunchbox.”

“Wait, your lunchbox from yesterday? Gabs, I told you that it needs to come into the kitchen when you get home every night. Please tell me you didn’t leave any food in it overnight.”

A pause. “I forgot.”

Bitty raises his eyebrows. “That’s convenient.”

“Daddy, I know that you want my lunchbox but I have to go to school so bye, OK?”

“Gabrielle! Cut the attitude, please.”

Gabi stares at her father crossly for a long moment before Shitty glances at the clock. “Gabi, honey,  we need to move. Why don’t you take your lunchbox over to the sink and grab your lunch for today? I think your daddy put it on the console in the hall.”

She runs off in a huff. Bitty looks over at Shitty apologetically. “God, she’s in a mood this morning. She barely slept last night, crazy nightmare. And it never helps when Jack has a flight so early that he doesn’t see them.”

“Papa, please?” Noah chimes in from his highchair.

“The walls have ears, I swear to God,” he groans to Shitty. “Noah, my love, Papa has already left for a few days. We can talk to him tonight, OK? For now, you’re going to go with Uncle Shitty to take Gabi to school and then you’re going to go and have fun because Daddy has to work.”

“Daddy up please.”

Bitty makes his way over to the highchair and pulls his son into his arms. Noah goes to snuggle him, but Bitty gently moves him to his hip. “Not now, baby. We need to get your shoes on so you can head off.” He softens the blow by kissing Noah’s hair gently, although Noah is not having a bar of it.

“Daddy please.”

“Sweetheart, you’re going with Uncle Shitty today, remember?”

“No!”

Shitty clearly remembers when Gabi was in this phase, and knows that there’s no point in fighting it. “Noah, kid, we’re going to put your shoes on now and then it’s time to go. We’re going to have some crazy adventures! And Aunt Lardo was telling me about something at the mall that I want to check out.”

“La?”

This child will be the death of him. “Maybe later, honey. For now, it’s shoe time.”

Noah frowns at him from Bitty’s hip.

“Bits, give me Noah. Go get ready, we’ll be fine.”

“Yeah, OK. Bye, baby.”

“Bye no please.”

Bitty sighs. “Bye yes please, honey. See you later.”

Noah looks like he wants to burst into tears until he makes his way onto Shitty’s hip and suddenly all is well again. Shitty will never pretend to understand babies.

Five minutes and one minor tantrum later, Gabi and Noah are strapped into the car and on their way to Gabi’s school. Shitty rolls down the window and blasts the radio, flipping off one woman who honks her horn at the volume of his music.

“Is that OK?” Gabi asks nervously. “Once Daddy did that to someone and Papa wasn’t happy.” 

Shitty breathes in and out. “It’s OK sometimes, baby. It just depends on the circumstances. That woman was rude at me, so I told her that I thought she was being rude.”

“So when Noah pulls my hair, I can do that to him?”

God fuckin’ - “No, honey. It’s only for very special situations. Maybe if you have a really good day at school, I’ll let you do it before I take you home.”

Gabi jumps out of the car with glee, but not before kissing Noah and Shitty goodbye. “Bye I love you see you later bye” becomes one long phrase that trails behind her, long after she’s shut the car door.

Shitty turns to Noah. “So, buddy. It’s just you and me.”

Noah smiles, grumpiness forgotten. “Hi.”

“Hi!” Shitty grins. “You ready for adventures? It’s a Tuesday and I don’t have to work, so we’re going to do all sorts of things. I’m talking the supermarket, the bank, maybe the mall …  It’s just a world of fuckin’ opportunities.”

Noah wrinkles his nose.

“Don’t look at me like that, kid. It’s going to be great.” 

What’s not great is the impossible parking situation at the supermarket. Shitty must spend five minutes driving in circles around the lot, searching for a park that will fit his SUV. Eventually he pulls into a spot, gets Noah out of the car, into the store and sitting in a cart with only minimal complaining.

“You ready, baby? I’ve got a list somewhere, let me just -” He searches through his pockets, pulling out receipts and phones and what looks like a recipe. “I could have sworn that I … Fuck it, I can remember. I think. Let’s just go.”

The store is decked out for Halloween, streamers hanging from the signs and decorated pumpkins around the entrance. Noah is transfixed, watching everything closely as Shitty makes his way through the aisles and tries his best to remember whether they were out of dishwashing liquid or dishwasher tablets.

He almost doesn’t notice when a store employee, complete with creepy-as-shit Halloween costume, makes his way over to them and yells ‘Trick or treat!’ in Noah’s ear.

Noah screams and promptly bursts into tears.

“Oh my God.” Shitty grabs him out of the cart and hugs him tightly. “Hey, baby. It’s OK. I know you were startled but –” He turns to the employee. “Are you serious? Look at him, dude, he’s one-year old. Don’t scare him, Jesus Christ.”

The kid doesn’t even have the manners to look embarrassed. “Don’t talk to me like that, man. This is my job. Little dude needs to harden up.”

Shitty finds himself growing more infuriated with every word that this guy says. “It’s your job to terrify babies? He can barely walk, man. Show some damn respect.”

“To a baby?” the employee snorts. “Learn to take a joke.”

Shitty sees red. 

* * *

**Shitty:** so ……. i may have been banned from the stop & shop near Bitty’s house  
**Lardo:** what the literal actual fuck did u do  
**Shitty:** some fuckwit in a costume scared the shit outta noah  
**Shitty:** so i set him straight  
**Lardo:** …………… fair enough  
**Shitty:** <3


	7. witches

**Reasons Why My Aunt Lardo Is Maybe A Witch**  
By Gabrielle Rose Bittle   
Transcribed by B Knight

(1) Everyone always does exactly what she says, even when they don’t want to.

(2) She wears lots of black clothes and her hair is black and she likes hats.

(3) She can make amazing art when she isn’t trying very hard at all. Better than my daddy or my papa, but I’m going to be as good as she is because she’s going to teach me.

(4) She has a black cat even though she doesn’t like cats very much.

(5) My uncle says she has magic hands. [THIS WAS ABOUT BACK MASSAGES - BK]

(6) She has a broom but I’ve never seen her do chores.

(7) Once Noah stopped crying because she looked at him.

(8) Always smells really good.

(9) She makes me feel better even when I’m sad, which is maybe a really nice kind of magic because not all witches are mean.

(10) I don’t know why else but she probably is and it would be really cool because she could do tricks for me.

* * *

  **earlier that day**

Lardo lifts a babbling Noah out of his car seat and sets him on the ground, grabbing his hand firmly before turning to shut the door. He pulls away half-heartedly, trying to head towards the school building which he knows is hiding his sister.

“Noah, baby, you’ve got to be kidding me. We just spent an hour at the park. Haven’t you worked out all of your beans yet?”

He beams at her, and she rolls her eyes. “I don’t know how your daddy does it, kid. You’re hard work.”

Noah sneezes vigorously.

“Bless you. You want me to pick you up?”

He reaches out his arms in confirmation and she hauls him onto one hip. Babies are hardly heavy, but carting one around all the time must be murder on your posture. She’s craving a back massage after one day.

“What should we do when we find Gabi, huh? Should we go have a nap?”

He grins. “Daddy Papa Gah please.”

Lardo pulls a face. “Sorry, baby, it’s not home time yet. Maybe we can call Papa quickly if he’s free. I was thinking we could go to the museum. I think they’ve got some cool Halloween stuff going on. Maybe we could do some craft, or -”

She’s interrupted by a small voice screaming her name from the entrance to the school building. “Aunt Lardo!”

She spins around just in time for Gabi to run smack into her side. “Aunt Lardo! Today at lunch Jennifer found a frog and she brought it inside and she got in trouble! But she let me touch it before she got in trouble and it was so cool and slimy! Miss C made me wash my hands because she said I could get warts but I said that was toads and also Papa told me it wasn’t true when we went to visit Coach and Grandma and I got scared because in a story Daddy told me someone got sick when they kissed a frog. But I guess Tiana didn’t get sick, but she did get to be a frog and it was cool but also scary because the alligator, but then he was nice, so -”

Lardo does her best to guide Gabi over to the car while not interrupting her story, not dropping Noah and finding her keys in her pocket. She gets everyone situated in their car seats within five minutes, and calls that a win.

“What do you think about going to the Children’s Museum, Miss Gabi?”

Gabi shrieks. Literally shrieks. Noah covers his ears. “Yes! We went last year when I was only a little kid in kindergarten, not in First Grade, and it was so fun! We got to look at all the plants and there was a bit about worms and Daddy got to come and we built a bridge and there were magnets and they made things float and …”

Lardo politely tunes out Gabi’s chatter and does her best to focus on the road. The traffic isn’t too bad but she’d rather not get pulled over. Somehow, she didn’t think that ‘my niece was talking too much’ would fly as an excuse for bad driving.

When they get there, Lardo gets Noah strapped into his stroller and grabs the bag of snacks before heading inside. She makes a beeline for the garden first, making the executive decision that it’s snack time, and they share juice boxes and goldfish next to the fountain.

She’s been staring absentmindedly at the rainbows made by the spray in the afternoon light when Noah pulls on her sleeve.

“Papa please?” he asks plaintively.

“Don’t be silly, Noah!” Gabi giggles. “Papa isn’t here! He went on a plane for work but he’ll be back in a few days so he won’t miss the Halloween party.”

Noah frowns.

“I didn’t forget,” Lardo reassures him. She turns to Gabi. “I promised Noah that we’d try and Facetime your Papa if he’s free. Do you want to do that now?”

“Yeah!”

Lardo pulls out her phone and hits Jack’s name. After a few rings, he picks up the phone, looking vaguely confused at having been video-called. His face clears when he sees Noah’s face.

“Hi, Lards. Hi, baby! What are you doing with Aunt Lardo?”

“Papa hi!” Noah calls excitedly.

Gabi sticks her head into the frame as well, and Lardo has to pull the phone back as far as her arms will reach to try and keep them all in Jack’s view. Eventually she gives up and just hands the phone to Gabi. “Hi Papa! I’m here too! Aunt Lardo brought us to the museum because Daddy is working today.”

Jack looks suitably excited. “Oh, cool! Are you having fun?”

Gabi giggles. “We haven’t had fun yet, Papa, but we’re going to. We only just got here and had snacks but we’re going to go do craft and play!”

“You’re so lucky,” Jack says with a smile. “I wish I was there too. I’m having no fun at all at the moment - I just got back to the hotel after our practice, but I think I might go explore.”

“You should go to a museum,” Gabi tells him seriously. “They’re always the most fun and also you learn.”

“Very wise,” Jack nods. “Are you both being good for Aunt Lardo?”

Lardo sticks her head back into frame and grins. “Angels, the both of them. I’ve had Noah all day, which has been fun, but I only got Gabi from school a little while ago. I’m sure she’s going to be very well behaved, though. Aren’t you, Gabs?”

Gabi nods. “I’m always good!”

Jack snorts.

Gabi looks vaguely offended for a second before she remembers, “Papa! Today at school Jennifer found a frog and she let me touch it and it was slimy but Miss C told me I could get warts. And I said that you said you can’t get warts from frogs and she said that you could, so I said you can’t because you told me that but she made me wash my hands anyway.”

Lardo sneaks a peek at the phone screen, where Jack is clearly doing his best to look sincere. She raises her eyebrows at him, and he bites back a grin. “It was probably a good idea for you to wash your hands anyway, baby girl. You wouldn’t want to bring swamp germs into your classroom.”

“Yeah, I guess.” Gabi looks like she has more to say, so Lardo decides that this is as good an opportunity as any to wrap this conversation up.

“This place closes in a few hours, so we’d better get moving. Good to talk to you, Jack.”

“Bye, Lards. Bye, guys! Have fun!”

Lardo hangs up after thirty seconds of Noah waving at the phone and Gabi’s repetition of ‘bye love you bye’.

They slowly make their way around the museum, Gabi pointing out words that she can read on each poster and Noah sticking his hands into the exhibits. Lardo lets Noah out of his stroller and he runs around, shrieking happily. Gabi climbs through the maze, waving at Noah from the top.

After an hour or so, Lardo guides them towards the Halloween corner which has been set up in one of the rooms. Sitting down at a table covered with poster paint and glitter, she sets Noah on her knee and proceeds to help him paint a cardboard mask of a pumpkin. There’s more paint on his plastic smock than on the mask but he’s having a good time. Eventually he gets bored, so she lets him down to go and play with the Lego in the corner. Absentmindedly, she pulls some paints towards her and begins to doodle on a spare piece of paper.

When she glances over at Gabi, she notices that the girl is deep in conversation with one of the museum’s employees while pouring glitter in a tealight holder. She strains to hear the conversation and can’t help but smile to herself. 

“Good job! Who are you going to give this to? Or are you going to keep it for your room?” 

“I think it’s for my aunt. She really likes art and glittery things and Halloween. My daddy likes my art too but I think that Aunt Lardo would like it more.” 

The employee smiles. “It sounds like it would be perfect for her!” 

Gabi nods seriously. “I think so. She used to be an artist but now she is an artist and also something else that I can’t remember. Something amazing. Anyway, she understands art so I think she will like this one. And also she likes magicky things and I think this looks really magicky. You see with the purple and the green and the glitter? Those are spooky magicky colors.” 

“… They sure are.” 

After a few more minutes, Gabi is done. “Thank you for helping me,” she says politely, “but I have to go and sit with my aunt now and show her the present. And soon we need to go home and see my daddy and have dinner because it’s getting dark outside.” 

Lardo kisses Gabi on the cheek when she comes and sits next to her. “What have you got there, baby?” 

Gabi holds the craft out proudly. “I made it for you! You can keep things in it, like jewelry or hair brushes or maybe things in the kitchen. It’s just for you because it’s your favorite colors and everything!” 

Lardo takes it gently. “I absolutely love it, sweetheart. It’s so witchy!” 

Gabi nods. “I know! It’s Halloween-y like you.” She pauses for a minute, then notices what Lardo has been painting. “Did you do that picture?” 

Lardo nods. 

“It’s so cool! And so pretty! Are you going to bring it home? How did you get all those colors?”

Lardo mimes zipping her lips together and throwing away the key. “Magic.”

 


	8. kitt purson

If Bitty were a religious man, he’d make sure to send up a daily thank you for the miracles of modern technology.

With his parents and the Zimmermanns hours away, not to mention Jack’s constant roadies, Skype and FaceTime are often the only things that keep him sane. The ability to see his husband’s face, to get his mom’s opinion, to have Bob or Alicia read the kids a bedtime story … He honestly can’t imagine life without it.

He’d asked Alicia once what it was like when Bob used to go on the road. She’d snorted before replying. “You have no idea, Eric. It was terrible. I’d leave a message with the concierge of whatever hotel he was staying in, and then cross my fingers that he’d check to see if there were any notes. He’d send postcards from the different places he’d visit - Jack might still have them actually, you’d have to ask him - but he’d often arrive back home before they did. Plus, no texting.”

As he props his iPad on the breakfast bar and hits Jack’s name, he can think of nothing worse. 

The call rings for a few seconds before Jack picks up, smiling happily. “Hi, love.” 

“Hey, sweetheart! Thought I’d just call before I start making dinner. How’s Sin City?” 

“Wait, what time is it there?”

“About six? Holster just left after dropping the kids off, he’s had them for the day.”

“Oh, cool.” 

Bitty can tell that Jack’s distracted. He keeps glancing over his shoulder, as if there’s someone else in the room with him. “Is now not a good time?”

“No, Bits, it’s fine. Let me just — give me one second.” He calls something over his shoulder to someone out of sight and makes his way across a living room and onto a balcony, plugging in his headphones as he goes.

Bitty’s stomach seizes. Jack has stepped over one too many ornamental rugs to be in a hotel room. They don’t have any friends in Vegas. 

He tries not to be paranoid, but he’d like to know where his husband is right now, thank you kindly. “Fancy hotel, honey.” 

Jack smiles happily. “Oh, I’m just at Kent’s place. We had lunch and we’re having a coffee and chatting before it’s time to head to the rink. He said he’d give me a lift.”

Bitty’s stomach settles, if only slightly. He’s met Kent Parson a number of times, but any ex of Jack’s sets his teeth on edge. He’s knows it doesn’t make any sense  —they’ve been together for together for over ten years, married for eight, but he still doesn’t like the idea that someone may know his husband in ways that he doesn’t. 

He tries to keep this to himself, though. Jack would cut ties with Parson in a flash if Bitty told him he was uncomfortable, but it wouldn’t be fair. Jack can have friends that Bitty doesn’t know well. Even if they are handsome, famous ex-boyfriends. 

It’s fine. 

Bitty does his best to smile. “Oh, bless his heart. Surely you have to be there at different times, though?” 

Jack narrows his eyes at Bitty. “We’ll be alright. Everything alright, love?”

The one issue with knowing someone for a long time is that they can read you like an open book. “Everything’s fine. It’s just —” He pauses.

“It’s just what?”

Bitty tries to remain calm, but he’s never been one to keep his head when stressed. “He’s your ex, Jack! And you’re just having coffee and chatting and you’re halfway across the country and I miss you and —”

Jack tries, and fails, to keep the chirp out of his voice.“Eric, are you jealous?” 

“Don’t you dare make fun of me! Yes, I’m jealous. You’re hot, he’s hot … He had you long before I did.”

Jack shrugs. “I wasn’t that easy back then, love. He put up with me. Being with him made him who I am today, there’s no question about it. But I’m with you now, and I love you, and I’m not going to leave you and our family because I’ve had coffee with my ex.” 

Bitty pulls a face at his iPad. “If you say so.”

“Eric!” 

“Jack!”

“Daddy! Are you talking to Papa? I want to talk to Papa!” Gabi comes speeding into the room, pulling her brother behind her as quickly as he can walk. 

“Actually, Gabs, I was just talking about adult stuff with Papa. Can you give us a second?” 

Gabi ignores him completely, climbing up onto the stool beside him. “Papa, we were watching Phineas and Ferb but then Daddy was talking to you and I wanted to talk to you more.”

Bitty knows when he’s defeated. He sighs and reaches down to grab Noah, swinging him up onto his knee.

“Papa!” Noah lights up when he sees Jack’s face on the screen, and he reaches one hand out to touch him. 

Jack smiles brightly and reaches out to touch his screen as well. “Hi, baby! Are you having fun with your aunts and uncles while Daddy is at work?” 

Noah laughs and pulls a face. 

“I’m going to take that as a yes,” Jack chuckles. 

“I’ve been having so much fun!” Gabi chimes in. “Remember yesterday when Aunt Lardo took us to the museum and we talked to you before we had fun? After that, we went and saw all the things and did crafts and we brought home our pictures and Daddy stuck them on the fridge with magnets! And I gave Aunt Lardo my big craft because it was witchy like her, and she’s going to use it in her house every day.” 

Bitty sits back and lets his kids talk to their dad. Jack’s roadies are never easy, but at least he can spend his days texting his husband if he wants to. These daily conversations are the only contact the kids have with Jack. Which sucks, but it is what it is.

After a few minutes, there’s a lull in the conversation. Gabi pauses, then asks, “Wait … Where are you, Papa?”

“I’m at Kent’s house, sweetheart. You know my friend Kent Parson, that I played with when I was younger? And now he plays in Vegas?”

Gabi’s brow furrows. Her parents are friends with so many hockey players that the ones she’s only met once or twice barely stand out. “Is he the one with the cat?” 

Jack snorts. “Yeah, honey, he is. I’m surprised you remember Kitt - I haven’t Skyped with Kent for a while.”

“Can we see the cat, Papa? Please?” 

“Let me see what I can do.” 

The picture shakes as Jack climbs out of the deck chair and heads back inside. He says something to the other person in the room, and soon he’s sitting on the sofa with the camera facing the other end, a very grumpy cat eyeing him reluctantly. 

From what Bitty can remember, this isn’t Kitt the First. Or even the Second. Anyone who names all their pets the same thing is a bit strange in Bitty’s book but, then again, he did go to school with four siblings who all had the same middle name. 

“She doesn’t really like me,” Jack tells the kids seriously. “But can you see her?” 

“Oh, she’s so cute!” Gabi shrieks. “Can you pet her? Is she the softest thing in the world? Daddy, why can’t we get a cat?” 

Bitty sighs. They’ve had this conversation more times than he can count, but somehow it never sinks in. “We can’t get a cat because your brother is allergic. As is your papa, just sayin’.” 

Jack laughs quietly, camera still focused on Kitt. “I’m not too bad,” he says. “But it just makes me really itchy, which is no fun at all.” 

The camera shakes as someone sits next to Jack, pulling the phone around so that it focuses on them.

“I got Kitt as soon as your dad and I stopped living in the same city,” Kent tells Gabi conspiratorially. “I always wanted a cat, but I couldn’t get one when he was around without him being super allergic all the time.” 

Bitty smiles tightly. Translation: Kitt was a break-up purchase.

“Hi, Kent.” 

“Eric.”

“I’m Gabi!” Gabi breaks in happily. 

“I remember you, kid,” Kent says. “I think we skated together a few years ago. You were really fast!” 

“I’m still really fast,” she says proudly. “Papa says that I can join a team when I’m in third grade if I want, but I’m not sure if I want to play hockey or just skate like Daddy. But I still have time to decide because I’m only six.”

“You can decide whenever you want,” Kent says with a smile, and Bitty is suddenly reminded about Kent’s charity work with involving underprivileged children in sport. He’s good with kids, Bitty admits to himself grumpily. “I’m sure you’re getting lots of practice skating, even if you’re not on a team.” 

She nods. “Papa and I go to the rink sometimes, but I like going with Daddy because he’s even faster than Papa and he shows me tricks. I want to learn how to do spins and things but I have to wear a helmet and knee pads so I don’t hurt myself.”

“That makes sense,” Kent replies seriously. “Being careful is super important.” 

“That’s what Daddy says! Papa says that he didn’t have to wear knee pads and he was fine, but Daddy says that —” 

The conversation is interrupted by Kitt stretching, climbing across Kent and onto Jack’s knee. Gabi giggles.

Kent laughs, long and loud. “She likes you, Zimms. She never likes anyone.” 

Jack shrugs. “I guess I’m just likeable.” 

Noah reaches out to pet the screen forcefully, as if he can bring the cat into the room by sheer force of will. “Cat!” he calls happily.

Jack freezes. For a second, Bitty wonders if the connection has lagged. “Wait, did he just say —” 

Then Bitty realizes. “Oh my gosh, Noah! Say that again? Who is sitting with Papa?”

Noah looks at his father like he’s worried that Bitty might have brain damage or hearing loss. “Cat?” 

“Good job, baby!” Jack coos through the screen. 

Bitty kisses his hair happily.

“Clever kid,” Kent comments. 

“Yeah, he really is,” Jack says with a proud smile. 

Gabi taps Bitty on the shoulder. “I think this means that we have to get a cat,” she whispers in his ear.

“Nice try,” he whispers back.

* * *

**Bitty:** showing her that cat was the worst decision we’ve ever made  
**Bitty:** she won’t shut up about getting a cat  
**Bitty:** all during dinner she was telling us adventures that she’s going to have with the cat  
**Bitty:** that we’re naming sharkie????????   
**Jack:** chris will be thrilled  
**Jack:** maybe we should think about it?  
**Bitty:** NOT YOU TOO   
**Bitty:** we can talk about a fish when you get back  
**Bitty:** maybe   
**Bitty:** don’t you dare tell the kids i said that


	9. supernatural au

**The Cursed Prince**  
A Story for Gabi and Noah  
by Jack Laurent Bittle 

Once upon a time, there was a little boy named Jack. He lived in a shining palace with his parents, the king and queen. When he was born, Jack was visited by his fairy godmother, who cast a protection spell upon him: for as long as he lived, he could never be injured. He spent his summers running through the woods, tumbling and laughing, and his winters skating on the frozen lake. He was fearless and carefree and, above all, he was happy.

One day when Jack was eight, he went to explore the forest around the palace with his father. While his father lay on the grass in the sun, Jack wandered into the shadows of the trees, hoping to find flowers to pick or mushrooms to poke. He lost track of time and walked far from his father, soon becoming lost. 

As the sun began to set, Jack became frightened. Even though he knew in his heart that his parents would always find him, he sat on a fallen log and wept. 

“Why do you cry?”

Jack leapt from his seat, startled. In front of him was an old woman, holding out her hands to him kindly. Jack’s parents had always told him to be wary of people he did not know — unfortunately, they warned him, some people would try and use him for their own gain. Being part of a royal family meant that he had more to worry about than a normal child, although he took refuge in the knowledge that no-one could ever hurt him.

“I’m afraid,” Jack said, as loudly as he could. “I lost my way. I was with my papa but I walked away and now I don’t know the way home.” 

“Where do you live?” the woman asked him. 

“In the palace next to the forest.”

She smiled slowly, and Jack began to realise that he ought to be afraid of her. 

“What is your name, child?” 

Jack mustered all of his courage. “I’m Jack.” 

The woman’s eyes widened. “Of course you are. I don’t know how I didn’t recognise you. I’ve seen your parents many times. The last time, they cast me out of my home for a spell gone wrong. Through no fault of my own, of course, but some people just don’t understand. I think it’s time that they experience a taste of their own medicine, don’t you?”

Jack tried his best to be brave. “You can’t hurt me! My fairy godmother protected me when I was a baby!” 

The witch smiled darkly. “Ah, yes. The great Lady Lucinda. She does so enjoy a protection spell. Unluckily for you, I know ways to hurt you anyway.” 

She muttered an incantation and Jack’s entire body went cold. It felt as if a cloud had materialised in his brain, flooding his veins with damp and fogging his vision. When he came back to himself, he was in his parents’ bedroom, his mother checking him for impossible injuries and his father chastising him for running off. He could do nothing but collapse into their arms, weeping softly. 

The witch had removed his courage and, more devastating, his pride. No matter how hard he tried, how well he did, he would never feel like he had done enough. Even when he succeeded, when he defeated all, he could only focus on his deficiencies.

When he finished books too advanced for his age, he wept because there were so many more that he hadn’t even begun. When his parents held galas and balls, he hid in his closet from fear of saying the wrong thing to the wrong person. He cloistered himself in his quarters, learning to prefer hiding in corners to running through the halls. He wrote poems and burned them, drew pictures and tore them up, sang songs and collapsed in silent embarrassment. 

When he did venture out, it was only in the dead of winter to skate on the frozen lake. Sometimes, he allowed his father to accompany him. At these times, his father would teach him new tricks or congratulate him on his technique. No matter how much praise he received, all Jack could focus on was his errors, his defects, his short-comings.

His father wept and his mother grew furious, but it was too late. They summoned all of the healers of the land, the good witches and the fairies, to try and find a solution. But, no matter how they tried, there was no was to remove the curse. Despite the king and queen’s best efforts, they could not heal Jack. They told him to keep it a secret and forbade anyone from making the information common knowledge. 

When Jack reached the age of twenty-one, his parents suggested that it was time for him to go out into the world and seek an education. He would one day rule the kingdom, they reminded him kindly. The thought sent him into paroxysms of fear, but he knew that they were correct. 

When he arrived at university, he hid himself in his chambers, paralysed by the notion of being surrounded by so many people that he didn’t know. That would have pre-conceived notions of him, that grew up on stories of their kingdom’s recluse prince. 

Despite himself, he slowly began to make friends. He was never sure why they chose to spend time with him, initially assuming that it was purely because of his family. However, he soon noticed that they stuck by him despite, not because of, who he was. They loved him for who he was and, for the first time in his life, he felt like he belonged. He still doubted himself, not to mention his abilities and his knowledge, but he began to understand that there was more to him that his own self-perception. 

When his university education had ended, Jack headed back to his home with promises of visits and many tears from his friends. 

Although his mother and father were still healthy, his mother had grown tired of running the kingdom. As such, she began to prepare him for the duties which would be his when she abdicated the throne.

The curse had never left Jack, although he had slowly learned to control it, so he lived his life in a constant state of fear and frustration. How could he possibly run a kingdom, he asked himself late at night, if he were not even in charge of his own mind? 

On nights like this, he would rise from his bed and wander the hallways. Occasionally, he would slip down to the palace kitchens, hoping to scavenge a cup of tea or some bread and jam. 

One such evening, he found that the kitchen was not empty as he had expected. It must have been later than he realised, because there was a young man kneading dough, half-asleep, flour in his hair. The man looked up startled, and smiled kindly at Jack. 

“Can I help you?”

Jack wasn’t entirely sure of how to respond. “I was going to make some tea,” he said quietly, then immediately regretted his choice of words.

The young man’s face lit up. “I can help you with that,” he said. “Just go and sit down. Why are you awake so early? Or late, I suppose. Are you a footman?” 

Jack suddenly realised that the young baker had no idea who he was. Rather than answering and making the man uncomfortable, he just made his way over to fill the kettle and place it on the stove. The baker did not seem to mind his silence and, rather, happily filled it with his own words.

As he quickly explained, the baker was new to the kingdom. He had grown up in a land far away, but needed a change of scenery. Jack nodded politely, even though he could not imagine a world in which he would move far from his family on nothing more than a whim. 

“So I moved here and asked around to see if there were any jobs going, and someone pointed me towards the palace. I couldn’t believe it at first — I only worked in the local bakery at home — but they’ve been nothing but lovely to me! I’ve been here a week and they’re already letting me make the bread by myself. I haven’t seen the queen or king yet, but I’ve heard they’re the nicest people! Have you ever seen them? Or the prince? I think I heard he’s back from university. I guess they don’t come down to the kitchen, although the housekeeper told me that they’re very relaxed so maybe they will one day.” 

Jack had never heard anyone talk so quickly, especially so early in the morning. The baker’s cheerfulness was refreshing, especially in the stifling stone walls of the palace. “They are very kind,” he commented quietly.

“That’s good to know!” the baker exclaimed, kneading as he spoke. “I much prefer working for good people, don’t you? I worked for a viscount for a hot second and, let me tell you, that was an experience. I’ve never met anyone so sure of his own importance, although he must have been fiftieth in line for the throne.”

Jack snorted. He had met a few of those people in his time. 

The next few minutes of comfortable silence in the kitchen were eventually broken by the scream of the kettle. Jack made his tea and wished the baker a good day.

Although it could have been, that was not the last he saw of the baker. Not by far. He began to make excuses to go and visit him, making cups of tea or requesting scraps of bread. The baker began to anticipate his visits, and they would often sit and talk while the dough was rising. Jack wasn’t entirely sure when it happened, but the baker — Eric — became a good friend. Not knowing that Jack was the prince meant that he wasn’t on guard — he chatted and flirted and was charming, casual, in a way that Jack hadn’t had since university. Visiting Eric became an escape from the drudgery of his life. 

Months passed, and Jack’s coronation drew ever closer. He spent his days learning court etiquette, politics, geography, history — things that would help him run a country. His mother instructed him on the treaties which governed their lands, which kept the supernatural creatures happy and the monsters in their lairs, and his father told him of dinner parties and dancing and making small talk with ladies and gentlemen both.

At night, he would escape down to the kitchen, where Eric would be waiting with tea and some form of baked confectionary, ready to regale Jack with stories of his day. Jack would sit back at the table and let the worries drift from his shoulders as Eric bustled around. He grew more fond of the baker, although he knew that nothing could ever come of it. Eric would never want to become embroiled in the palace politics, and Jack would be required to marry some foreign dignitary to bring good fortune to the kingdom, like his mother before him.

The night before his coronation, Jack knew that he had to tell the baker the truth. Somehow, the fact that he was the crown prince, soon to be the king, had never come up in conversation, but he knew that the kitchen staff would be one of the first stops on his tour around the palace tomorrow. The truth was going to come out, whether he liked it or not.

“Eric, I have something to tell you. You’re my closest friend, but I haven’t been completely honest with you.”

The baker turned to look at him. “I knew something was wrong with those raisin buns! Jack, you should have just said something at the time!” 

Jack forced himself to swallow his smile. “No, it’s not that.”

“Then what is it? Jack, you know you can tell me anything. Lord knows I must have told you my life story by now.” 

“I … I was cursed.” Eric gasped, but Jack pushed on as well as he could. “As a child. I was cursed by a witch. She removed my courage, made me a weak man, which is why it has taken me so long to say this, but … I have to tell you. I —” 

He froze. He couldn’t lose Eric, his only true friend away from university. Tomorrow, he would become the king and his life would never be the same again. How could he lose Eric too? His breath became short in his chest, and he felt the familiar fear flood his veins.

He came back to himself a moment later to the sound of Eric’s worried voice. “Jack, sweetheart, look at me. You’re OK. You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to.” 

“No, I —” Jack paused. “I want to. I — I’m the prince. Of the kingdom. Soon to be the king. Like, tomorrow.”

“And?” Eric prompted. 

Jack froze. “Wait, what?” 

“I know you’re the prince, Jack. What’s the scary news?” 

Jack’s eyes went wider than he had known was possible. “How long have you known?” 

Eric nodded, confused. “A while? Wait, Jack, was that the scary news? I know you’re the prince, honey. I don’t care.” 

Jack stared at Eric with confusion. “I thought you wouldn’t want to know me if you knew. I — I’m gossip fodder. People talk about me like I’m something to gawk at in a circus. I was cursed for just being who I am — imagine being friends with me. Or more. You’ll court trouble every day of your life.” 

After a few seconds, Eric hadn’t said anything. It was the longest the baker had ever been silent, and Jack grew increasingly terrified. “Please say something?” 

Eric blinked several times, like he was coming back to himself. “Did you say … Imagine being more?” 

Jack casts his mind back. “Oh, Eric, I’m so sorry. That was so presumptuous, I just meant —” 

Eric smiled, almost shyly. “No, I … I liked it. Imagining it. Being more than friends.” 

They stared at each other for a heated second before Jack decided to close the gap between them, kissing Eric hesitantly. Eric retaliated in kind, wrapping two small hands in Jack’s hair and kissing him greedily.

Jack’s coronation went off without a hitch, and he ruled as a just and fair king. A few years later, he was married to the baker and, eventually, they were blessed with two children. 

Jack was never cured of his curse, but he learned new ways to live with it every day. When he was feeling particularly afraid, Eric was always there to help him through and lend him courage. He wasn’t cured, but he was OK.


	10. masquerade ball

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> life has been hectic for the past few days, but i'm trying to smash these out as quickly as i can. thanks for bearing with me! hope you all enjoy :)

“But why can’t we come?”

Jack breathes in and out, very slowly. “Gabi. My love. I’ve told you already. It’s a grown-up party. Aunt Lardo’s gallery isn’t a place for little kids like Noah.”

“But —”

Jack is already regretting saying that.

“— remember when Uncle Shitty took us to visit Aunt Lardo at work and Noah was allowed to run around in her office? And we drew pictures while they were doing grown-up stuff? And then Aunt Lardo hung them up and gave us a quarter each and said that we were real artists now cos our pictures got bought and hung in a gallery?”

“That was nice of her,” Jack nods.

“Yeah, Papa, because she’s the nicest apart from Uncle Holster. Anyway, if we’re real artists, why can’t we come to the party?”

Jack is running out of excuses when —

“Because Selena is already in the car to come play with you guys and she’ll be sad if you’re not here when she arrives.”

Jack thanks the universe for Bitty on a daily basis, but this feels like a particularly divine intervention.

Gabi appears to think about this for a second. “But can’t you just phone Selena and tell her that we’re going to a party instead? Or maybe she could just come!”

“She can’t talk on the phone in the car, sweetheart. It’s not safe.”

“But —”

Jack is done.

“Bits, I’m going to go get dressed. What’s Noah up to?”

“He’s just playing in his room,” Bitty tells him. “Gabi, do you want to go get into your costume so you can show Selena when she gets here?”

“Yeah!”

Twenty minutes later, they’ve kissed the kids goodbye and are finally out the door. Gabi pouts for a second until Selena suggests they do craft. She’s off running before the front door even closes.

Jack settles into the passenger seat, groaning softly, as Bitty adjusts the rearview mirror. “What if we just went out for dinner?” he suggests half-heartedly. He’s not as young as he used to be, and constant roadies take it out of him. “We haven’t done something, just the two of us, for ages.”

Bitty reaches over to squeeze his hand, then turns the car on. “I know, baby. We’ll do something tomorrow, OK? We can give Noah to someone and go get lunch.”

Jack grins. “What if we gave Noah to someone and stayed at home? Alone. Just the two of us.”

Bitty bites his lip quasi-seductively, then snorts. “You’re terrible. Let’s just see, shall we? We’ll do something, I promise. I’m on top of the column so I can take the day off.”

They pull out onto the road and then, fifteen minutes later, pull into a parking space near Lardo’s gallery. The lights are all on, the music blaring, and Jack takes a second to center himself before reaching for the door handle. Bitty notices, because of course he does.

“You alright, babe?”

Jack smiles. He hasn’t had a full-fledged panic attack in a while, but it seems like Bitty will never get out of the habit of checking for them.

“Yeah, just … it’s loud. I’m fine though, honestly.”

“Got your mask?”

Jack pulls it from the side pocket of the passenger door and fits it in place, tying the ribbons tightly.

“You sure you’re going to be OK?”

“Bits, I spend half my life wearing a mask. I would have some serious problems if I couldn’t wear them. Not to mention more than a few concussions.”

“I guess. You know I worry about you.” 

“I do. And I love you for it. But I’m fine. Let’s go.”

Jack pulls open the door of the gallery for his husband and then walk through together. They’re immediately swept into a kaleidoscope of colors and costumes and music and masks. So many masks.

“Have you ever felt so underdressed?” Bitty whispers to Jack. “I look like I went to the dollar store on the way here.”

It’s true. Jack supposes that it makes sense, what with it being a party of artists, but the room is teeming with the most creative masks he’s ever seen. Masks made only of feathers, of stitched-together newspaper, of painted clay and intricate metalwork. Most people are wearing cocktail dresses or suits, but the masks …

Jack grabs two glasses of wine from a passing waiter, handing one to Bitty, then steps back to watch the people go by. After a few minutes, he feels someone tap him on the shoulder. He turns and comes face to face with someone that can only be Shitty. His face is covered with what looks like a collection of bedazzled tin cans, but his loose hair gives him away. It falls to his shoulders, free of its usual constraints.

“Jack O Lantern!”

“I’m wearing a mask, Shits,” Jack says with a grin, pulling Shitty into a hug. "I don't think you're supposed to know who I am."

“Can’t mask that ass,” Shitty says with a slap to said ass. He turns to Bitty. “Mr Bittle.”

“Mr Knight.”

Shitty bows to Bitty, who bobs his head in response before reaching up to kiss Shitty on the cheek.

“So,” Jack says quietly. “This is full-on.”

Shitty snorts. “Even Lards is overwhelmed, but don’t tell her I said that. It was organised by someone else. If she’d had her way, it would have been beers and a band, but apparently there were people to impress, so we’ve got red wine and a string quartet.”

“Have Rans and Holster made it yet?” Bitty asks, looking around.

“Sure have. I think the babysitter rang so Rans is just calling in the office.” Shitty grabs Jack’s hand and leads them through the throng of fancy people sipping fancy drinks, down a corridor and around a corner. Shoving the door open with one shoulder, they make their way into Lardo’s office. Holster is sitting on the desk, swinging his legs, while Ransom is on the phone, pacing.

“No, you have to — Emily, just listen to me. It’s OK. It’s the third cupboard from the left. The one above the sink. Look behind the —”

Jack heads over to say hi to Holster. “That sounds serious. Everything alright?”

Holster chuckles. “Kid wants her Sesame Street cup. She’ll survive. This is the first time Emily’s babysat for us so she’s stressed and Justin’s stressed and everyone just needs to calm down.”

“OK, perfect. Yes, just give her the — OK. Yes. Thanks, Emily. Just call if you need anything else.” Ransom hangs up and gives them all an apologetic look. “So sorry, guys, but when the babysitter calls, you have to answer.”

Bitty nods seriously. “Oh, totally. If they think it’s worth calling about, it’s probably something you should know.”

Jack, Shitty and Holster exchange a look.

“So…”

The moment is broken by Lardo forcing her way through the door, resplendant in a peacock blue dress. She freezes when she sees the five men crammed into her office and pushes her mask up onto her hair. “Are you fucking with me right now?”

“Hi, Lards,” Bitty offers, but she ignores him.

“Boys, this isn’t a kegster. You don’t need to have a secret party in another room all to yourselves while you plan your next move. Will you all go out there and be normal, please?” 

Holster puts one hand on his chest dramatically. “Ms Duan, are you suggesting that we —”

“Just go, Holtzy.”

He ducks his head and makes his way out the door, kissing her cheek as he goes past. Ransom follows his lead, then Bitty. 

“Babe, we were just —”

“I don’t want to hear it, Shits. This is more your scene than mine, so can you just go schmooze some people with me, please? If I had a dollar for every time someone asked me where you were…”

“You’d have a dollar?”

She tries to frown at him, but Jack can see her cracking. “Two, actually. Please?”

Shitty reaches for her hand. “Let’s go schmooze, babe. And when we get home, I’m going to show you exactly how much I love that dress.” 

Lardo gets up on her toes and kisses him deeply, wrapping her arms around his neck. “Love you.” 

He smiles at her in a way that would be sappy if it wasn’t clear how much they adore each other. 

Jack suddenly becomes excruciatingly aware that he’s interrupting something. “I’ll see you out there, guys,” he says awkwardly, shutting the door firmly behind him. He makes his way out to the main area and finds Bitty leaning against the wall, sipping a glass of champagne as he hears about Ransom’s latest crop of interns at the hospital. Jack eavesdrops on Shitty and Holster’s vehement argument about nothing in particular for a few minutes before Bitty shrieks.

“Oh my God, is this a string quartet version of Halo? I love this song!” 

Jack turns to his husband and holds out a hand. “Would you do me the honor of this dance?”

Bitty smiles brilliantly, then pulls back slightly. “Jack, baby … No-one else is dancing.”

Jack just smiles and pulls Bitty closer, placing his hands on Bitty’s lower back. “Doesn’t matter, love. Dance with me?” 

Bitty groans and lowers his forehead to Jack’s chest, softening into his embrace. “You’re the worst. Why did I marry you?”

“Because you love me?” 

“I really do.” 


	11. autumn

“Papa, do you think that snakes wish they had legs?”

Jack looks over from where he’s making Gabi’s lunch and pauses. “Excuse me?”

Gabi, mouth full of toast, repeats herself. “Do snakes wish that they have legs?” She swallows. “Or are they happy just having bodies?”

Jack doesn’t know where to start. “Do you wish that you didn’t have legs?”

Gabi looks at him like he’s gone clinically mad. “If I didn’t have legs, I couldn’t skate.”

“If snakes had legs, they couldn’t slither the same way.”

“Yeah, but do you think that they wish they had legs?”

“I think that snakes have bigger things to worry about.” 

There’s a minute of blessed silence in which Jack wraps Gabi’s sandwich, puts it in her lunchbox and searches for a muesli bar. On the baby monitor, he can hear Bitty getting Noah out of his crib, cooing to him as he changes his diaper.

Gabi swallows a mouthful of juice, then takes a deep breath. Jack braces himself. “Do snakes know that they don’t have legs?”

Jack has literally no response. After a few seconds of shocked silence, he manages an, “I don’t know, ask your daddy.”

“Daddy? Do you think that —” Gabi shrieks up the stairs.

“I’ll be downstairs in a second, Gabi,” Bitty calls back. “Just wait right there, OK?”

A few minutes later, Bitty comes down the stairs and into the kitchen, Noah in his arms. He kisses Jack softly, gives him Noah and pours himself a very large cup of coffee before preparing a bottle. He takes Noah back, sits down at the table and begins to feed him. Gabi watches him like a hawk the entire time.

Finally, he’s had enough coffee that he’s ready to ask, “What’s up, Gabs?”

“Do snakes know that they don’t have legs?”

“Oh. Um … I don’t know, baby. What did Papa say?”

“He said to ask you!”

Bitty shoots a betrayed look in Jack’s direction. Jack shrugs and winks. Bitty sends him a melodramatic pout. Jack pulls a face. Bitty sticks out his tongue.

Gabi watches the entire exchange like a tennis match before protesting, “Daddy, you haven’t answered my question.”

Bitty narrows his eyes at Jack before turning to look at his daughter. “I don’t know, sweetheart. That sounds like a good question for Miss Clark. I’m sure she’ll find out for you if she doesn’t know.”

Throwing Gabi’s teacher under the bus is not ideal, but it seems like the only viable option in the circumstances.

“Speaking of,” Jack says with a glance at the clock on the wall, “We need to get moving or we’re going to be late. Time to go get dressed and clean your teeth, Gabs.”

Jack drops Gabi off at school, then heads to the rink for morning skate. Their loss in Vegas left the team frustrated, and the coaches push them harder than normal. By the time he gets back home at lunchtime, he’s ready for a nap.

That is, until he walks through the front door and sees Bitty bundling Noah into his coat and hat. Jack walks over to Noah and swoops him into a hug, kissing the squirming toddler loudly on the cheek. Noah shrieks with laughter, batting ineffectively at his father’s arm.

“Where are you two off to?” Jack asks Bitty, kissing him in greeting.

Bitty puts his hands on his hips for a melodramatic second before he reaches for his jacket. “We’ve got lunch plans, remember? I made a reservation at a little fusion place that I’ve been meaning to review, if that’s OK with you.”

Jack smiles at his husband. “Yeah, love. Sounds good. I might need a coffee or three, but I’m in.”

The restaurant is a bit of a distance, so they drive into town and park near the river. They decide to leave the stroller in the car — from the restaurant’s website, it doesn’t look like the most family-friendly place. Jack crosses his fingers that they have a highchair for Noah.

The first red flag for the restaurant is that they give Noah a dirty look when the three of them walk in. The second is that the salsa is served with brioche. Bitty pulls out his phone to take pictures of everything, and types copious notes while Jack entertains Noah.

The second they walk out of the building, Bitty bursts into laughter. “Well, we can chalk that one up as a failure.”

Jack lets out a breath he wasn’t aware he was holding. “Oh, thank goodness. I thought I just wasn’t cool enough to understand what they were trying to achieve.”

Bitty snorts. “Honey, whoever came up with French/Mexican fusion needs to have their head examined. I had such high hopes, but … Let’s just say they won’t love what I have to say. I’ll keep it on the blog, though. I don’t think the Times readers need to know about escargot tacos.”

“Or brie queso.”

“Spicy crème brûlée.”

They make eye contact and start laughing again. Noah just looks confused. 

“Sorry, baby,” Bitty says to the toddler on his hip. “I hope you enjoyed your lunch.” 

Noah pulls a face. Bitty nods seriously. “I know, honey. Let’s go for a walk, yeah?”

They swing past the car to grab Noah’s stroller, before heading into the park. The leaves have turned and are starting to fall — Jack can’t help but ask Bitty to take the stroller as he grabs his camera from the diaper bag and takes a few photos of the trees. They wander slowly, taking it in turns to push Noah, who soon falls asleep. 

Bitty looks at Jack, faux-concerned. “I guess we’d better stay out for a while,” he says with a shrug. “Wouldn’t want to wake the baby.” 

“Oh, no,” Jack chuckles. “I guess I’m stuck here with two of my favorite people. What will I do?” 

Bitty grins, pulling Jack into a kiss. Jack goes happily, wrapping an arm around Bitty’s waist. They don’t tend to engage in many public displays of affection, but it’s a stunning day and there’s no-one around and Jack is just so happy. 

When they break apart, Jack takes back the stroller and hip-checks Bitty as best he can. Bitty winks at him cheekily, before running off to take a picture of a leaf pile. 

They wander through the park, watching the trees, chatting about everything and nothing. At one point, they make their way to a Starbucks for Bitty to grab his daily pumpkin spice latte. Jack gets a filter coffee, but takes more than one sip of Bitty’s. 

 They’re sitting on a bench watching the river, Noah still asleep, when Bitty pulls out his phone to take a selfie of the two of them. The orange leaves form a stunning backdrop, the wind is blowing their hair artistically and they both look so content. It’s a great photo — Bitty immediately posts it on his Instagram, as does Jack. 

They sit back peacefully for a few minutes, Bitty nestling under Jack’s arm. When Noah starts to stir, Jack pulls him out of his stroller and hugs him tightly. The baby is still half-asleep, so he doesn’t protest. Bitty leans over to kiss his hair softly, then freezes.

“Jack, sweetheart, what time is it?” 

“No idea, love.” 

Bitty pulls his phone out of his pocket frantically. “We’ve got twenty minutes to go get Gabs, honey.” 

“Oh, fuck.”

They power back to the car. Jack loads Noah in quickly before climbing in the front seat. Bitty may break a few speed limits, but they get there in the end. 

Gabi is waiting for them at the front gate, hands on her hips. “Why are you late?” 

Bitty catches Jack’s eye and laughs. 

“Ewww!” Gabi whines. “Please tell me you weren’t kissing!” 

“Nah, baby. It was just … autumn.”

 


	12. a horror story

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> liberties were taken with this prompt. as per usual.

**_group message: spoopy_ **

**Holster:** ok but do u know what i realized today?  
**Holster:** in a zombie apocalypse me and rans would be the ultimate power couple  
**Holster:** he’s a doctor  
**Holster:** i’m strong as shit  
**Shitty:** sorry holtzy what are you bringing to the table?   
**Holster:** um rude  
**Holster:** i could lift stuff  
**Holster:** carry stuff  
**Ransom:** Babe I could lift stuff by myself  
**Ransom:** We both played hockey remember  
**Shitty:** LMAO HOLTZY HE’S LEAVING U TF BEHIND   
**Shitty:** SORRY 4 UR LIFE   
**Shitty:** ENJOY GETTING EATEN  
**Shitty:** also jack and bits are clearly the power couple  
**Lardo:** True   
**Bitty:** ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯   
**Holster:** UM EXCUSE ME  
**Ransom:** Now wait just a second

* * *

 **@ericbittle**  
Um ok so we had an argument in the group chat a few days ago and now everyone’s taking sides

 **@ericbittle**  
So of course I’m involving y’all

 **@ericbittle**  
I don’t care if this sounds stupid, I need reassurance

 **@ericbittle**    
I would be EXCELLENT IN A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE. I could cook the food and also I’m young and strong and good at taking care of people and 

 **@ericbittle**  
And I could negotiate with other people and fit in small places and can throw a football really hard so that has to count for something

 **@ericbittle**  
Zombies’ skulls aren’t that hard. I bet I could hurt one with a baseball bat or something.

 **@ericbittle**  
OR A HOCKEY STICK

 **@ericbittle**  
Having been hit in the head with a hockey stick it HURTS LIKE THE BLAZES

 **@ericbittle**  
Or I could hit pucks at them really fast 

 **@ericbittle**  
If it can knock people’s teeth out, it can kill a zombie

 **@ericbittle**    
Anyway I’m just super offended that my idiot friends think that I’d be useless

 **@ericbittle**    
If @lardo and I teamed up, we’d be unstoppable

 **@ericbittle**    
I guess @jackzimmermann can come too

 **@ericbittle**  
JK LOVE YOU BB

* * *

 **@ericbittle**    
OK so remember my last tweets

 **@ericbittle**    
I may have started a war

 **@ericbittle**  
Someone decided that we’ve got to pair up to survive the apocalypse, so there’s a LOT of backstabbing going on

 **@ericbittle**    
Alliances are forming

 **@ericbittle**  
I’m not entirely sure that Shitty and Holster are talking rn

* * *

 **Bitty:** the baby is napping  
**Bitty:** convince me   
**Shitty:** OK SO  
**Shitty:** you and i would be the ultimate power couple because i could convince the zombies to let us go   
**Shitty:** with my law skillz   
**Bitty:** lmao i love you but you’re going down   
**Shitty:** i’m strong?  
**Bitty:** byeeeeeeeeeeee

* * *

 **Bitty:** lards your fool is trying to convince me that WE would be the best alliance???  
**Bitty:** because he can law the zombies???????????  
**Lardo:** He’s so precious  
**Lardo:** Even I don’t want to side with him   
**Lardo:** Don’t tell him I said that   
**Bitty:** i’m pretty sure he knows honey

* * *

 **Holster:** OK but bits here’s what we bring to the table……  
**Holster:** ransom is a doctor which is HOT but also super useful  
**Bitty:** if i get bitten by a zombie, he’s not going to cure me tho   
**Holster:** …………  
**Holster:** you won’t die of dehydration  
**Holster:** or get tetanus   
**Bitty:** hard pass   
**Holster:** i’m still on the table  
**Holster:** am really tall  
**Holster:** super strength etc   
**Holster:** can quote 30 rock   
**Bitty:** i love you adam   
**Bitty:** but you’d stick out like a sore thumb and your talents aren’t that useful  
**Holster:** ET TU BRUTE

* * *

 **Bitty:** baby we’re pairing up for the apocalypse yeah?   
**Jack:** I won’t lie, love  
**Jack:** I’m getting some pretty good offers from a few parties

* * *

**_group message: JESUS FUCK STOP CHANGING THE TITLE SHITTY_ **

**Bitty:** which one of you bitches turned my husband against me   
**Ransom:** Sorry not sorry  
**Ransom:** We’re going to be unstoppable   
**Holster:** JUSTIN HOW COULD YOU  
**Ransom:** All’s fair in love and war babe  
**Holster:** I CANNOT FUCKIN   
**Shitty:** HOW DOES IT FEEL ADAM   
**Shitty:** HOW DOES IT FUCKING FEEL

* * *

 **@ericbittle**  
This is getting out of control

 **@ericbittle**  
You guys

 **@ericbittle**  
I think Holster just challenged us all to laser tag

 **@ericbittle**  
Without kids

 **@ericbittle**  
We’re going to have to book the place out for like eight at night one day when both Jack and Rans are off work

 **@ericbittle**  
We can’t just show up as six grown-ass adults and expect them to let us in

 **@ericbittle**  
“oh hi yeah can we just have the place to ourselves so we can prove a point about the zombie apocalypse yes that’s jack zimmermann THANKS”

 **@ericbittle**  
“This is going to settle things once and for all” YEAH HOLTZY BECAUSE THIS IS THE PERFECT SIMULATION OF AN APOCALYPSE

 **@ericbittle**  
“Y’all bitches are going down” — Adam Birkholtz, real actual human being and parent who has kept himself alive for years and years

 **@ericbittle**  
Elise is so lucky that she doesn’t know what’s going on

 **@ericbittle**  
Text from Ransom: “Bits he’s started dropping and doing sit-ups randomly lmao”

 **@ericbittle**  
BRING IT FROST GIANT

 **@ericbittle**  
Tbh I’m most scared of Lardo, she’s silent but deadly

 **@ericbittle**  
People always underestimate the little ones

 **@ericbittle**  
I’m not going to share my tactics but trust me, it’s down to me and her

* * *

_**group message: TEAM HOLSDO** _

**Jack:** Team Holsdo?  
**Jack:** I can see that working  
**Jack:** Clever, shaking up the height dynamic  
**Jack:** Big and small, different strengths and weaknesses  
**Lardo:** damn straight ᕙ། ◕ – ◕ །ᕗ  
**Ransom:** Oh my god Jack don’t encourage them  
**Ransom:** What happened to our alliance?   
**Bitty:** which i am still SHATTERED about for the record   
**Jack:** Don’t worry bud   
**Jack:** Team Ransack have this in the bag  
**Shitty:** god DAMN that is an excellent name   
**Shitty:** bits you sure you don’t want to reconsider my offer?  
**Shitty:** team shitty could be real  
**Holster:** don’t be a hater, bud

* * *

 **@ericbittle**  
LARDO HAS DEFECTED TO TEAM HOLSTER

 **@ericbittle**  
THIS MEANS WAR

 **@ericbittle**  
I CANNOT BELIEVE

 **@ericbittle**  
BRING ON THE LASER TAG

 **@ericbittle**  
I’M TAKING THIS LOT DOWN 

 **@ericbittle**  
NO ALLIANCES

 **@ericbittle**  
I DON’T CARE

 **@ericbittle**  
Gabi: daddy why are you typing so angrily  
Me: THIS IS WAR SWEETHEART  
G: [walks out of room slowly]

 **@ericbittle**  
Noah: daddy hi  
Me: just one minute baby   
Me: I have to tell uncle holster how wrong he is

 **@ericbittle**  
Jack: [walks into kitchen] why does noah look so confused  
Me: NOT NOW JACK HOLSTER IS BEING THE WORST   
Jack: ……… fair   
Jack: team ransack!

 **@ericbittle**  
Note to self: chill. Do not yell at husband over fake war.

 **@ericbittle**  
Text from Holster: how does it feel to know ur going down tomorrow

 **@ericbittle**  
my less than stellar response: in ur dreams friend

 **@ericbittle**  
H: SICK BURN   
you know what friend, i’m too busy focusing on how hard i’m going to KICK YOUR ASS TOMORROW

 **@ericbittle**  
Oh also Homemade Pumpkin Spice! easyaspie.com/recipes/2029/10/homemade-pumpk…

 **@ericbittle**  
@ everyone who is following me for recipes: I’ll be back to my regularly scheduled programming soon

 **@ericbittle**  
BUT WHEN IT’S HALLOWEEN IT’S WAR APPARENTLY

* * *

**_group message: fuck all y’all_ **

**Ransom:** Heads up guys  
**Ransom:** Adam’s wearing stealth gear   
**Holster:** ELEMENT OF SURPRISE JUSTIN   
**Ransom:** lmao Elise is so confused   
**Ransom:** she’s just watching him pacing the room, psyching himself up  
**Bitty:** “your dad’s gone insane honey” hahahahaha  
**Shitty:** I TOLD YOU COMBAT GEAR WASN’T OVERKILL LARDS 

* * *

 **Bitty:** this is going too far  
**Lardo:** ikr   
**Lardo:** time to smash these punks and then we can all calm tf down   
**Bitty:** see you in half an hour, loser  
**Lardo:** love you nerd  <3

* * *

 **@ericbittle**  
WELL

 **@ericbittle**  
That was full on

 **@ericbittle**  
Here’s everyone in order of score: Holster Me Lardo Ransom Jack Shitty

 **@ericbittle**  
Is anyone surprised that Holster is a competitive fool?

 **@ericbittle**  
I can’t believe we had to go best of three 

 **@ericbittle**  
Don’t we have better ways to spend our Tuesday evenings? 

 **@ericbittle**  
CLEARLY NOT 

 **@ericbittle**  
also i beat ransom so TAKE THAT JACK 

 **@ericbittle**  
let’s see if you’re so quick to dump me next time there’s a crisis 

 **@ericbittle**  
a boy doesn’t grow up in georgia and not know a thing or two about shooting 

 **@ericbittle**  
Anyway we’re all going home to relieve the babysitter and get pizza delivered 

 **@ericbittle**  
holster: shitty’s buying  
shitty: I HAVE ALREADY LOST MY PRIDE   
h: yeah but ur a lawyer so ur mega rich  
s: ur married to a surgeon 

 **@ericbittle**  
My friends, ladies and gentlemen


	13. a halloween au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't believe this is over! Thank you so much for sticking with me through it, I couldn't have done it without y'all. Special thanks to those commenting - you guys kept me going. As always, come say hi on Tumblr if you want :)

_It has become a Duan-Knight party tradition for guests to provide a prompt for a story. These prompts are later performed by Shitty Knight, Drunk History style. The stories always feature his favorite people._

_The theme for Halloween 2029 was Retell Ur Fave. Lardo made it very clear that Shitty came up with the name. Shitty basked in the credit._

_Here are three of the most memorable stories._

* * *

**The Phantom of the Bakery  
** By B Knight

Once upon a time, there was a blond man who liked to bake. He specialized in cakes and donuts, but then he started making pies and they were fucking incredible.

“Where are you getting your inspo, dude?” his best friend asked him one day, making his way through a new creation. “This pie is fuckin’ rad.” 

The baker looked super fuckin’ cagey before answering, “Um, I hear voices?”

The friend laughed but then it turned out that the guy was actually hearing fucking voices telling him recipes and shit. The baker was all, “Nah, man, don’t worry, sometimes the voice will tell me that I’ve left the oven on or that I need more honey, it’s pretty low-key” but the friend got really fuckin’ worried because it kinda sounded like the baker had someone living in his pipes or something. 

Like a basilisk. 

So one day the baker disappears for a while and when he gets back, he’s all “whoops I kinda got kidnapped by the guy that lives in my wall his name is Chad and he’s obsessed with me and he thinks we’re going to get married and be together forever”. 

So the friend _freaks the fuck out_.

Meanwhile, the baker’s awkward childhood best friend shows up out of the blue and is really hot now. They fall in love, and it’s adorable. 

 _But_ the fuckin perv Chad who lives in the wall starts getting jelly because he thinks the baker is all his so he decides that the best thing to do is kidnap the baker and force him to bake for him and only him forever and ever. 

The hot blue-eyed romantic motherfucking love interest is _not_ A-OK with this plan so he decides to try and find the hot baker and kidnap him back, but he’d made sure he had consent first because he’s not an animal. So he locates Chad’s lair behind the wall and finds the baker sadly baking away. 

“Babe, let me get you out of here,” the hot love interest says. 

“Ummmmmmm I’d love to but I’m being held prisoner by Chad OH GOD HE’S RIGHT BEHIND YOU.” 

So Chad The Insane ties up the hot love interest and the baker cries into his pastry and eventually Chad can see that the baker will never be happy with him. So he lets them go and the hot love interest and the baker ride off into the distance and live happily ever after. The best friend cries.

Sidebar: the baker can’t work in his bakery anymore because there’s a fuckin’ lair built into the wall. So that sucks. Victim blaming is real, you guys.

* * *

 **Jack**  
By B Knight

Once upon a time, there was a boring recluse ogre that lived in a swamp and never did fuckin’ anything except, like, bathe in mud and shake his fist at the sky. His name was Jack. 

One day, a bunch of fairytale creatures showed up in his swamp because the fuckin’ privileged imperialist motherfucker running the kingdom decided that he wanted to build something on their land which was fucking outrageous. They were all super pissed about being kicked out, but also Jack was not thrilled about having to share his quiet muddy ogre retreat with randoms.

Jack decides that he’s going to go tell the king that this is NOT ON but he doesn’t know the way because he’s a crabby motherfucker who has literally never left his lil patch of dirt. So he ends up having to take along a veritable posse of strange and wonderful creatures, including a kick-ass pixie with shaved sides and a two-headed dragon.

When they get to the palace, the king is this tiny dude called Eric and he’s all, “Oh, yeah, not colonizing your land is an interesting proposition. I’ve never studied politics and also this place doesn’t have it good records????? Go bring back this princess that’s stuck up a tower and then maybe we can talk.” 

So the weird group of rapscallions go on an adventure and eventually they get to this massive tower which is surrounded by lava and shit. But the magic of friendship gets them through and they’re fine. 

Jack gets to the top of the tower and finds the princess but it turns out that she’s actually a prince, who has killer flow and an amazing moustache. Jack isn’t even mad tbh. They manage to get the prince out of the tower and start making their way back to the kingdom.

BUT THEN when the sun goes down the prince turns into a princess??? It turns out that a fairy godmother turned her into a prince to escape the patriarchy but then every night he turns back into a woman and kinda doesn’t know about his pronouns so Jack starts using gender neutral pronouns and everyone’s happy. 

Also the person-from-the-tower feels like they’re supposed to fall in love with Jack because that’s how the plot is supposed to go but they’re kinda more into the pixie? Because she’s a massive babe and is also really good with a sword and isn’t that a fuckin’ turn-on. 

So eventually they all get back to the palace and bring the prince/princess to the king and he’s all, “Oh, wait, I thought you were a lady,” and the person-from-the-tower is all, “Gender is a spectrum” and the king is all “right on”. But then the person says that they’re just going to get going if that’s OK and the king doesn’t know what to do so he lets them all go. 

Except then Jack is all, “MY SWAMP IS FULL OF STRANGE PEOPLE GET THEM TF OUT” and the king is all “… interesting argument”. So then he comes with the unlikely posse and sees the over-population of the land and the fact that he’s made all these people refugees in their own country and the lack of resources so he’s OUTRAGED and decides to give everyone their land back. 

Also he’s hot and woke and eventually he and Jack get married THE END

* * *

 **Ransel and Holstel  
** By B Knight

Once upon a time, there were two married dudes called Ransel and Holstel who lived in a cabin in the woods but not the creepy kind. They skated on a nearby lake in the winter and picked berries in the summer and chopped wood with their huge fucking muscles and were generally aesthetically pleasing motherfuckers. If Instagram had existed, they would’ve probably had a million followers. 

Anyway so one day they went off on a nature hike with some guy called Chad and they weren’t paying attention to where they were going because they trusted Chad for some reason and then he was all “Sit here with these sandwiches, I’ll be right back”. Being trusting little angels, they sat down on a tree stump and played fuckin’ clapping games or some shit until the sun started going down and they realized that Chad was the worst. 

So then they’re stuck in the middle of the fuckin’ woods and the sun’s going down and neither of them smoke because they care about their lungs so they don’t even have a lighter. So Ransel’s all “Well, fuck” and Holstel’s all “Yeah I know right”. They think about sitting down and crying for like thirty seconds until Holstel says “Babe, we’re like a million feet tall and made of muscle, let’s just fuckin’ … work this shit out”. And Ransel’s all, “Yeah, man, you’re right.” So they just start walking. 

They’re getting really sick of being out in the middle of the woods and there’s mosquitoes giving them grief and they’re ready to either wait to die or hollow out a tree and make a new cabin when they see lights. 

So they’re all, “FUCK YES LIGHTS MEAN PEOPLE AND IF IT’S A SERIAL KILLER WE CAN HONESTLY PROBABLY TAKE THEM BETWEEN US”. So they hold hands and walk towards the lights and they see this house. 

The house is, like, covered with protein bar wrappers. Which is a red flag but they’re tired and fuckin’ starving and they’re ready to take on a body builder if it means they don’t have to walk in circles all fuckin’ night.

So they go knock on the door and this dude pokes his head out and is all, “What the literal fuck, I haven’t seen another person except for my husband in like five weeks”. And they’re all, “Yeah, shit, dude, sorry, but we got abandoned by this dick called Chad and now we’re supes hungry, help pls?” 

And the guy whose name is Eric lets them in and gives them amazing food and Holstel’s all, “Rans, we don’t need to go back home, we can just live here forever” and then Eric’s husband gets home. He slams the front door open and appears in the doorway like some yeti motherfucker and is all, “Who are you?”

And Eric explains the deets, about how they’ve been left to die and have been walking for hours and are fuckin’ exhausted, and Ransel and Holstel try to make themselves look smaller than they are, and the husband is all, “What did you give them to eat?” And Eric’s all, “Um … Some soup and bread?” 

And the husband gets FURIOUS and Holstel is a bit terrified and Ransel is trying to be cool so he’s like, “Nah, man, it was delicious”. And then the husband was all, “Of course it was delicious, Eric is a god, but you need more protein if you’ve been walking all day! Gotta feed those muscles.” 

So they stay and have steak and the next day Eric and the husband walk them back to their place, because it turns out they weren’t actually that far away. And they end up becoming best friends with Eric and the husband, whose name is Jack. They swap recipes with Eric and cut the firewood for Jack and Jack shows them how to, fuckin’, I don’t know, make candy with maple syrup like in _Little House in the Big Woods_. 

And a few weeks later they find Chad’s corpse because he was killed by a bear.

**Author's Note:**

> feel free to come say hi on [tumblr](http://murrayhewitt.tumblr.com).


End file.
